Hey Girl.....This Ain't Your First Rodeo

I have to admit....I am amazed at the comments I have been getting from people. Time and again people keep indicating that they think I am this strong and courageous person. I must fake it well because I am a lot of things but strong and courageous are two words that definitely don't come to mind when I look in the mirror. David is strong! David is courageous! David is tough as nails and through it all he just keeps smiling and "Yee Haw"ing. He is the one who has to endure the pain, the pokes, the prods and all the nasty little side effects that come from his illness and his surgery. He has been strong and courageous since conception....I have merely been along for the ride.

The reality is I spend more time holding my breath and praying than I do being courageous. To me courage is showing no fear and while I may not outwardly express fear....inwardly fear is all I know. My greatest fear is losing my hero. David is my hero! 

Any strength I have I have gained because of David. I watch David fight through everything and I tell myself that if he can do it...then so can I.  It is not true strength but more a strength that I force upon myself to keep up with David and be the mom he deserves instead of just the mom he gets.

This week I have felt anything but strong or courageous. I simply did what I had to do all the while feeling as if my knees would buckle at any moment and that if I ever let myself cry.....I just might not ever stop. And while I may not be these things....what I truly am is BLESSED! I have learned so much this week and honestly in the weeks prior to this one. I have learned that David and I are surrounded by so many wonderful people. I don't even have to ask and people are willing to step up and help us through all of this. It is a wonderful thing because I "hate" to ask. I would rather do anything than ask. That is why I have been so amazed and touched by the people who have reached out to us. From the people who have bought cheesecakes, to those who have offered help when we get home, to the angels who have sent other angels and the angels that just showed up. It has been unbelievable. I can never thank all of you enough....but I do know that I will spend the rest of my life trying.

Today marks a week since we began this leg of the journey. It feels like it has been so much longer, as if I have lived months in just one short week. We were suppose to depart today and go home...but as of right now, I am not sure that will happen. Yesterday, since David was stable, they had talked of sending him back over to Shriners. However....Shriners didn't feel that would be safe for him as they have no respiratory therapy on the weekends and in light of Friday....they felt he would be better staying at Children's until today. Fine with me. The less moving we have to do the better in my opinion. We were told that we would just leave here as scheduled today and go straight to the airport and take off. I pressed a nurse to make sure of these details last night and after some checking she found that us leaving today is up in the air (no pun intended).

Due to the fact that David was so ill when he left Shriner's on Friday....apparently our flight out was put to tentative status and since Wings of Hope had not heard from us over the weekend that made the availability of a flight precarious. This means if we are leaving today....I won't know until about 20 minutes before it is time to go. Love living by the seat of my pants. However....if we can't get a flight today...then we will be transferred back to Shriners and stay there until arrangements can be made. Sigh!

David seems to be doing very well and I would truly love to go home today and no longer have to live out of a suitcase, but there are some details that as of yet I don't think have been ironed out. There has been no approval on the hospital bed yet and if my time here has told me anything....a hospital bed is a must. Also...home health care is a must. Rainbows contacted me Friday morning telling me I would know something Friday afternoon but I never heard back. While if I absolutely had to I could probably change and move David...the issue would be his comfort and the possibility of hurting him. Two people would make all changes and transitions much easier for everyone involved. I just have to remind myself that whatever is suppose to happen will happen. It has all worked out so far. Guess I will just put it back in God's hands a while longer.

I am still scared and shell shocked over Friday's events. I watch David take every breath and watch his monitors like a hawk. (Yes....I am one of those mothers!) I constantly watch for signs of things that don't look just right and in some ways I am terrified to remove him from these safe surroundings, but then I tell myself "hey girl....this ain't your first rodeo!"  I have had to overcome these same fears time and again from the NICU on. We are pretty resilient and like always....we will move on and move forward.

Am I ready for what lies ahead? Are any us? I just know that if David can do it...then so can I!