Welcome To My World

Since I always seem to have plenty to say on every subject, you would have thought I would have started a blog about David much sooner than this. I didn't however. Maybe because talking about both the bad times as well as the good times makes it all VERY real and maybe I just have never been ready to be that real about this subject. Well....maybe it is time.

Rather than start from the beginning....I will be like one of those movies that you watch, where first you are in present day and then suddenly you jump to a flashback and ever-so-often they even throw in a "flashforward"  in just to confuse you a bit. I don't particularly want to be confusing, but I will start with today and then as I have time, I will fill in the history, and yes....I may even jump ahead and tell you my hopes and dreams, but today will be focused on the present.

David is my 9 year old son, and yesterday....he scared me to death. It was another case of looking into his little eyes and wondering if this was the end.  Were these going to be my last moments with him?  You can't imagine the fear and the total grief you feel in those moments, nor the helplessness. It is a feeling I would never wish on anyone. It is devastating and debilitating all at the same time.

We had gone to my father's early in the morning to wish him a Happy Father's Day and to bring him his favorite McDonald's breakfast. After leaving....on the way home, I looked at David in the rear view mirror and saw him yawning widely not once but several times. I thought to myself....that is strange, he rarely yawns in the morning. Next thing I knew....he was choking. My older son was in the back with him and I said...."what is he choking on?" "Nothing" was the reply as he was already done eating.

I immediately pulled the car half-assed into a driveway and jumped out to check him. I stuck my finger down his throat and was paid back for the effort by being bit with a great amount of force. That had never happened before. In my excursion down his throat, I found nothing. David immediately began to try and pull the seat belt off himself at the same time trying to grab me and have me hold him. David is almost 4' tall and weighs about 60+ pounds. Add that to the fact that because of my stellar parking job we have our back end on a busy road and cars are zooming and swerving around us, I was having issues to say the least. It ran through my head that just a week or so ago a young man had been traveling down a road when he saw a tire obstructing traffic. He pulled off and went to retrieve the tire. As he got back in front of his car.....a young woman (presumed to be texting) was distracted, swerved and hit his car....causing it to hit him and kill him. I had visions of being the next film at 11 news story....and decided we needed to move.

I adjusted David as best I could and jumped back in the car. I pulled a little further in the driveway and then tried to talk to David. By now, David's eyes had a sick dull look to them and his head was weaving as if it was too heavy for his little shoulders. I continued to try and speak to him getting only faint responses. My mind was racing. Do I go home (another 10 miles or so) or do I take him to the emergency room (the place were at least one member of my family had spent the last three Sundays all ready)? Another look at his eyes said GET TO THE ER!

I pulled out of the driveway and headed to the ER. My mind was frantically trying to calculate the quickest route, while I kept my eyes glued to the rear view mirror. I told my older son to keep David alert and he kept poking, pinching and prodding him just to make him react. Even having David cry was better than no reaction at all. Soon though....the reactions got less and less and the wobbliness of his head and the dullness of his eyes were all I could see.

The early Sunday morning church traffic was painful. People obeying speed limits or enjoying their drive to church on such a beautiful day, was impeding my ability to get help for my son. I was swerving like a maniac and doing 90 wherever traffic would allow. The rest of the time I cursed slow people and mentally wondered why they just didn't understand that I was a mother in crisis who needed them to move? Then another thought went through my head. What if one of those rouge cops were to stop my 90 mph efforts to get my son to the hospital? What if they stopped me and wouldn't listen to the why's and were only interested in the whole law breaking thing? How would that help David? Or what if I didn't stop and they followed me to the ER only to have them take me away in handcuffs for causing them to chase me? Again....how would that help David not having his mom there? Finally my jumbled thoughts all screamed at the same time....PULL OVER and call EMS!!!!!

I pulled into the first parking lot I could find and jumped out. By the time I got back to David, he couldn't even make a sound. He could hear my words, but whatever had taken over his body had zapped his ability to do anything except make little whimpering noises and look into my eyes with a fear that rips a mothers heart wide open. I frantically dialed 911 and filled the operator in on the situation. My mind was frustrated that she continued to ask me questions after I had told her what was going on. I wanted to focus on David. The lowest of all thoughts kept circling my mind. Were these horrid moments of me frantically begging him to stay awake and him looking weak, scared and almost unresponsive going to be our last together? Was this it? My heart was breaking and I was begging and the operator was still talking.

Blessedly the EMS was finally there. They worked quickly and David was soon in the ambulance under their care. I heard the word seizure, but I dismissed it. This was no seizure. I had seen his seizures before. This was nothing like any I had seen. Laying in the ambulance though, I did see the ever so subtle darting of the eyes. Was this a seizure? 

My older son rode in the ambulance with David so that I could drive my car to the ER. The ride itself was a blurr but the thoughts weren't. I felt so broken and helpless. I kept praying and  wondering if I would ever see David alive again. What had happened in that short span of time for him to be happy and laughing one minute and almost unresponsive the next? I did however refrain from asking why, because I learned along time ago NEVER to question. Sometimes you just have to accept.

Once at the hospital....I must have looked dreadfully pathetic. I had beaten the ambulance and the nurse behind the desk refused to leave me alone. She called the hospital chaplain. I sat down and pondered things for a moment. My head was swimming and then I looked up and saw that everyone was looking at me with sympathetic eyes....and whispers under their breaths. I am sure they were trying to figure out what had happened to this woman that made her look like such a pathetic creature at this moment. As if a switch were pulled....I immediately sat up straight in my chair and scolded myself mentally for falling apart. What good was I to anyone being a blubbering heap in the middle of the ER? I composed myself and forced every syllable that came out of my mouth to be coherent and intelligent. I had to buck up and be strong for my kids....regardless of the outcome.

Soon they were leading me back to his room. His eyes were open but once they got him settled...he was out. What was going on with his little body was still in question. His heart rate, blood pressure and temp were low and he was put on oxygen as a precaution, but he was sleeping peacefully. The drs. and nurses buzzed in and out and I was answering the same questions and telling the same sequence of events over and over. My older son sat to the side and looked shell-shocked. He was hurting just as much as I was and he was processing the events no better than me. Was it a shunt malfunction (David is hydrocephalic and has a VP shunt)? Was it in fact a seizure (it wouldn't have been his first)? Had he picked up mono from his brother who had been diagnosed a couple of weeks earlier (something maybe his little special needs body couldn't handle)? Or was it something else? Was it something new that was here to haunt us or maybe even rob us of my little man? I was now in fighting mode....and I was going to get answers if it was the last thing I did.

The buzz continue and I was informed that there would be ANOTHER head CT which I was none too thrilled about, but if it was a shunt malfunction...this was the quickest way to find out. I stood there praying and feeling somewhat lost knowing that once again I was going through a crisis with no one but a 14 year old for support and I had a momentary lapse into self-pity, when all of a sudden I looked up and there in the doorway stood a dear friend from TX. I was amazed and astounded. Soon there was another dear friend and eventually two more. (Apparently I had called the latter two) and Zachary.....my wonderful son had gotten in touch with the first two. When, where, and how.....I didn't care. I was just so incredibly thankful I wasn't the only adult there this time. Prayers work. My mood and my outlook immediately became brighter. I was going to make it through this. We ALL were.

After tests were run to rule out everything from a heart issue, to mono, to a shunt malfunction, the ER doc was sure we were dealing with a seizure. It was brought to my attention that not all seizures are patterned and that apparently seizures can take on a life of their own. I really wanted to kick myself at this point, because not unlike the first time he had a seizure.....when all this had happened......him having a seizure was not even on my radar. I did nothing to stop a seizure because I had no idea that is what I was dealing with. Lesson learned! Seizure, from here on in will always be my first thought, followed then by shunt malfunction. Oh the medical knowledge I now have and never wanted. lol

The friends eventually left and my local friends took Zachary home. He had dealt with enough for the day. After all....he is still recovering from mono. David was admitted and after a couple of hours, he woke up and started returning to his David ways. Again...totally unlike previous seizures....but those are stories for another day.

In the last twelve hours....David has reconnected with drs. and nurses on the peds floor that we haven't seen in several months. Funny how they do not forget him playing peek-a-boo, wanting their name badges, or him boogying for them. And this time he has new tricks to show them such as being able to say Mama, boo, and Spongebob (which sounds suspiciously like boobie) and they ALL get a kick out of that.

David finally settled down last night about midnight with his sock puppets that a nurse had made for him so that he would leave his IV site alone. The monitors were quiet, the door was shut and all I could hear was the soft sounds of David breathing. It was a wonderful sound and one I didn't want to quit listening to. It was to that....that I fell asleep.

Five thirty came early this morning but I awoke to the happy sounds of David clapping his sock puppet hands together and saying "woooo" ever so softly. It was a glorious alarm and one I was so thankful to wake up to after yesterdays events. The resident was in and after his neurologist makes an appearance....we should be cleared for take off.

As I sit here and type this....I watch David take the sock off his hand and put it back on. I realized this morning that he has never been able to put a sock, glove or oven mitt on his hand by himself and yet now....he is doing it with the skill of someone who has been doing it forever. Is this a new skill brought on by the seizure? After all....that is how he started saying Mama! Which makes me realize that there truly are blessings in everything.

This road I am on is not an easy one. It is filled with tremendously treacherous paths, but looking in that hospital bed and seeing that beautiful smile and those clapping sock puppets, I can't imagine a second that I would change....for I am the person I am.....because of the Incredible Mr. David.

Thank you God!