Tuesday, May 17, 2016

A "Special" Bathroom Rant



Bathrooms! Who knew that in 2016 bathrooms would be the headline on every imaginable news outlet? No...we have no real world problems to worry about such as hunger, healthcare and unemployment. So bathrooms it is. Can you tell this mama is gearing up for a bit of a rant?

While it is true that I have an opinion on most everything, my opinion on the transgender issue will remain my own, at least on this blog. However, I have a HUGE opinion on bathrooms! Go figure.

Now, for the everyday ordinary person, a bathroom should have only one main purpose. For most of us it is a get in, get out event and up until recently....the only issue most of America had with a bathroom was it's cleanliness. Even that becomes less important if you are in dire need of the facilities. I myself have been known to use a men's restroom (with spotters of course), an alley behind a building, the side of the road and even an out house. I am still traumatized over that last one.

Today though, bathrooms have become battle grounds of who is privy to use which privy. Bathrooms have become the forefront of politics and are even being used as bargaining chips in some states. Businesses are staking their profit margins on where they stand on the whole restroom situation and people are literally losing their minds on both sides of the issue. Really?

Finally, I got to the point where I just could no longer hold back and I had to speak out. This is bull fritters....pardon my French. We are talking about the place where people feel "comfortable" going to the bathroom. Well excuse me, but long before the transgender community was feeling uncomfortable, there was a whole, much larger group of people who felt uncomfortable using restrooms and no one did diddly squat for them. What group am I referring to? Mom's and especially mom's (and dad's too) with special needs kids.

Oh yes. As any mom can tell you, it is absolutely no fun trying to take a 5 year old boy into a women's restroom. The 5 year old is not old enough to go to a public restroom on his own and yet he is not crazy about going into a bathroom and doing his business where he is surrounded by women. The other women are not particularly excited to have a little boy in the ladies bathroom either, especially if there are also little girls in the bathroom. It is awkward for all involved to say the least and I am sure for those single or lone dads with daughters, their experience in the men's room is equally as uncomfortable.

Thankfully, in the new millennium, a light bulb went on above someones head and certain public places such as pools and gyms came up with the idea to have a "family" restroom. This is a place where mom and/or dad can take the kids in without the disgruntled looks of others judging them for bringing their kids into the "wrong" restroom. Still, even today though, these family style facilities are few and far between.

As uncomfortable as the bathroom situation could be when my older kids were growing up, I never really knew uncomfortable until I had David, my youngest son who has cerebral palsy. Bathrooms are simply not equipped for parents with special needs kids and THAT in my humble opinion is the comfort that should have been worried about and worked on long before now.

When David was small, it was easier if I had to go to the bathroom, but still somewhat awkward. If nature was calling for me, then I would have to bring him into the ladies room with me, stroller and all. If it was a single toilet space then there was usually room for the stroller and I both, but if it were a multi-stall space, then I would have to wheel him into the stall with me, leaving the door wide open and ending all privacy for myself and any unfortunate on lookers. As he got older though and was in a wheelchair, the spaces were much more difficult to maneuver with his chair and other women didn't really appreciate having him in their bathroom. It was a matter of privacy and comfort and believe it or not....yes, I have a special needs son, but the world does not revolve around us, special needs or not. Other peoples comfort is a concern for us too. It comes down to the fact that there just has to be a better system for special needs parents, kids and bathrooms.

The real difficulty though is the special kids. Just because they are special doesn't mean they don't have to relieve themselves and that they don't deserve the same privacy and respect that the rest of the world seems to demand. This can get quite complicated when restrooms are neither private nor equipped with the proper space and equipment for those with different needs.

When kids like David have CP, their muscle are often very tight and even in the best situations, changing them can be difficult. Laying them on a cold, hard  floor makes it even more difficult. They have to be laid out to be changed and no mom wants to lay their child, who is likely already prone to every infection known to man, on a nasty, dirty public bathroom floor. It is disgusting and again, not great for others who also have to use the restroom and who are having to dodge you and your child in the middle of the floor.

Yes, some bathrooms do have pull down changing tables, but most of those are for very small children and often special needs kids remain incontinent for a good deal, if not all of their lives. So then what? We are back to the floor? Quite frankly....I think with the ever growing special needs population, they deserve better.  As they grow older, the need for a "comfortable" and private bathroom becomes even more important and honestly.....very few of those exist.

As a special needs parent, we learn to roll with the punches, adapt to that which seems unadaptable and make do because our options are limited. Through the years, I have changed David on my lap, in a chair, on the hood of a car and in the van many times, just to avoid a disgusting bathroom floor or because there wasn't space in the bathroom to change him. It was difficult but always better than the alternative. As he grew older though, our options grew smaller and his need for privacy and dignity made the above changing options obsolete.

Now David is getting older. He is nearing the age of manhood and although we are trying to potty train him, the reality is that he will likely always be incontinent and therefore in need of changing. Does this mean we can never leave the house because there are no facilities equipped to handle the changing of a grown special needs child? I know I am not alone as I have talked to many mothers of special kids who are in the same boat. Is his life, comfort and dignity less important than that of a transgender person? Is he any less deserving of a comfortable and private bathroom than say Caitlyn Jenner or Jazz Jennings?

The percentage of transgender people in need of a special bathroom in the United States is 0.3%. The percentage of disabled individuals in the U.S. is 19% and of those at least 15% need specially equipped restrooms in order to be able to feel comfortable going out into the world. They need bathrooms big enough for wheelchairs and walkers. They need changing tables that can hold kids up to 100 lbs. They need space for the special needs person and their caregiver and most of all they need privacy so that they are comfortable and those around them are comfortable too. Why are we not fighting for this? Why isn't Target fighting for this? Why isn't Bruce Springsteen refusing to play concerts in any state that doesn't provide "comfortable and private" bathrooms for those with special needs? Why isn't President Obama taking a stand for our special needs population? It's like talking to a wall.

So to all of you who are worried about bathroom comfort, I ask that before you give a "special" bathroom to a person who may identify differently, but can still easily walk in, use the bathroom, wash their hands and walk out, please think about those "special" individuals who can't do that. Think about those who "need" a bathroom that accommodates their ability to relieve themselves, be changed and helped if necessary, all while maintaining their self respect, dignity and being able to live their lives out in the world.

Rant over....


No comments:

Post a Comment